Things Which Should Be Banned
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31st December 2001

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1 Chewing Gum

There are few vices more disgusting than chewing gum.

And annoyingly it's often nice people who chew it, except in the movies, where it often marks out the most despicable personalities.

Here is a list, which explains why you shouldn't chew gum
1. Discarded gum blights the pavement of every town
2. Americans do it
3. Causes stomach ulcers
4. Looks very un-attractive to be constantly chewing
5. Makes your beer taste terrible
6. Chewers look as stupid as footballers
7. Create a constant annoyance behind radiators and under desks and furniture, when they stick to your clothing.
8. Very difficult to remove from Hair, Jumpers and Carpets
9. Blights the Urinals in every pub school and shop.
10. No nutritional value whatsoever
11. Not biodegradable, the mess left behind lasts for hundreds of years
12. Very wearing for molar teeth
13. Severely Banned in many countries

Here is a list of the good things about chewing gum
1. Can give your mouth something to do if you're too stupid to think of something to say
2. Keeps your teeth clean, (unlikely)
3. Improve breath, (but no substitute for personal hygiene)
4. If you are on a diet, chewing will probably take your mind off hunger pangs for a short while
5. If you can chew chewing gum and walk at the same time, then you have more coordination than at least one american president.

So there you have it, the weight of the argument against is far stronger, and therefore the disgusting habit is to be banned immediately. Now I must leave you to go and tell the local newsagent immediately, bye!

2 Guns

1. Yeah we're all English here, don't need any argument.
2. 98.6% of all people who are shot are dead
3. 99.94% of all people who are shot in the head, died from fatal wounds
4. 94% of bad guys are on the trigger end of a gun

3 Pop Music

It's a sad fact that all the best music, that will ever be written, has already been written (a long time ago ). The current crop of pop star is a weak and watery manufacture. True, that all pop music has always included an element of [manufactured group] never in the history of music has there been so much technology, to make a talentless prat sound like a mediocre singer, and to make someone sing in tune when they don't.
Many record shops now provide two main charts, one of new artists with new music, and one with Pop Groups playing re-gurgitated tunes from decades long enough ago for kids to have not heard the first time. This practice to my mind is pure sacrilege. The original version of a song is almost always the best. Only when a very radical departure from the style of the original version, is there a cover version worthy of any attention at all. When a DJ (disc jockey) plays a back..to..back feature of the new version and original version, can it be appreciated that the new version is shite, and the old version is much better. DJ's usually do this to make this very point.

A new rule of thumb which has been drawn up this year to work exactly out how much talent a pop star has is as follows :-

The level of reverb is inversely proportional to the amount of talent of the singer

4 Mobile Phones

They're just too fucking dangerous
See Mobile Phones For More Information

5 Smoking

Smoking is a bizarre habit, which is vociferously defended by the cynical industry which supplies it. Never in the history of humanity has a business been allowed to carry on killing half of its participants.

25% of all smokers die in middle age of smoking related diseases
25% of all smokers who have survived middle age die of smoking related illness in old age

In my time on earth I have personally known several people who have died very prematurely because they smoked. I am an average bloke, I don't know of anyone who has died of drink, or hard drugs.
It wouldn't be so bad if smokers just dropped dead, but they get more disabled, the longer they continue smoking, until they get such severe disease that it kills them. The local hospital has wards full of people who are having amputated limbs, and come back for further amputations later because they still can't stop. The hold that nicotine puts on smokers is so strong, that these people suffer the equivalent of torture. To make matters worse, there is now very good evidence, to say that stopping smoking at any age, and any state of health, improves the health of the victim substantially within three days.

6 Burger Bars Now proved in the high court, that they take advantage of low paid workers, and use meat from cruel farms in the third world. These places provide a High Fat and Low Taste diet to Naïve adolescents, who believe every thing that they see in glossy television adverts, where thin attractive models are seen troughing the latest expensive bite, before washing it down with a cola which is 3-4 times the normal price, And they think that they're being like americans.
The same bars in America, provide very different fare. The hamburgers are meaty and thick, and the salad bar is free, and the cola or coffee is free refill, and the price of the whole snack is pretty cheap.
However, there is now a downsurge in the popularity of these places, because a book has blown the American burger industry wide open, with reports of cattle being kept and slaughtered in unsanitry conditions, where they have to stand, and fall into inches of excrement, which is never cleaned up, and an unusually high incidence of food poisoning and bugs.
See Advice For Americans For More Information

7 Organised Religion

The apparent cause of most of the world's ills. Despite the well meaning sentiments of tolerance and peace, the followers use their religion to politicise their causes. The older a religion gets, the more manipulated it becomes. The religious leaders often remove aspects of the faith which don't sit easy with their current aspirations. And the more centuries the faith lives (or often limps) on, the less it resembles the it's original values / message.

8 Umbrellas

Umbrellas are of no practical use to anyone, and the main pretagonists of this wicked art are little old women, who often have poor senses and very little coordination. If I ruled the world, every day would be the first day of spring, and all little old women with umbrellas would be burned at the stake, for being proved to be witches.
Umbrellas were invented many hundreds of years ago in the east, for protection against the hot sun. And some cynical trader, had the sinful idea of bringing them over to keep off the rain. That was wrong.

Don't say " ooh I wish I'd brought me brolly "
Do Say " oy! watch out gandma, you nearly had my eye out with that bloody thing "

9 Caravans

"We like the freedom of not being told when to get up for breakfast", they say. Everone else remembers a horrific childhood holiday in a freezing ramshackle caravan, in a waterlogged field. With the whole family crammed into a space which is an 8th the size of there house, people getting in the way, and tempers close to breaking point, it's not surprising that in the morning you see so many dads sat on their own in the driving seat of the car, while reading the paper.
To find out more, visit Caravan Page don't forget to take a spare bucket and a ball of string!

10 Double Glazing (epecially doors)

The modern preoccupation with central heating and double glazing, is the result of people being unwilling to wear adequate clothing for the climate. Sealing homes up tight from draughts, results in dampness, and counteracting the dampness with incessant central heating, results in a build up of house dust mites, a common cause of itching, eczema, asthma, tiredness and lowering childhood immunity.
The double glazed door is a significant crime. They look very ugly, are flimsy, and in all cases are totally out of keeping with a brick built house. The proper material for a front door is wood. The handles and catches of double glazed doors are a particular nusence, as they lock by tightening the flimsy door to the flimsy frame.

11 Guinea Pigs

Many pets are of little value, and a little hairy pig thats worth only 21 shillings takes the biscuit. These fat little rats have no tail and are incapable of any work other than the testing of pharmaceuticals. Someone once told me that The Guinea Pig is a cross between a rabbit and a hampster, but after my own observations I have concluded that they are really the result of a union between a hairball coughed up by a cat and a jumbo vegitarian sausage roll.
And when kept as a pet the only thing they do is cower in the corner looking terrified and make a sound like "weeee weeee" all day long.
According to Mark, you can keep a rabbit and a Guinea Pig in the same Hutch, but you have to keep them well fed, or else the rabbit will eat the head of the guinea pig.

15 The Yorkshire Terrier

YAP
      YAP           YAP
                                      YAP
yAP YAP YAP YAP
                        YAP YAP         YAP

Quite clearly not bred for fighting, this pathetic little mutt is often referred to as a DISHCLOTH. This is doubly apropriate as they look like a shaggy dishcloth, and are about as much use. Most dogs are attractive, loving and good natured, but "Yorkies" are ugly, stupid and very noisy. There is one on my road that regularly gets picked on by the local cats.

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