More Advice For The Modern GentlemenInstigated 24th August 2008 after
persuasion by A. Kirk esq. |
I am often reminded that many modern men lack some of the benifits of previous generations. In times past, people grew up in larger families and the extended family generally lived closer together, In those mythical halcion days a chap didn't have to find out so much of the mysteries of life for himself, because an older sibling, cousin or interfering strange uncle would take it upon themself to proffer advice, often unwanted, to the novice as to how do do certain things.
The upshot of all this codswallop is that it is quite common for a bloke to not know what he is doing, because he hasn't really managed to work it out for himself, while at the same time having no well meaning worldly wise older brothers with a bit of style and "know-how" if you follow my drift.
There are many very useful tricks to getting noticed by barstaff. But they come under two themes, which are
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Doing nothing annoying and Making it easy for the barstaff to serve you |
To make matters clearer/more confusing, it is useful to adopt jargon when talking about this subject to avaid long winded descraptions all the time.
First bit of jargon - The Batsman or Striker ( Person whose immediate task is to get served )
Basically preperation is the secret. Firstly if you know you are going to a busy nightclub and you wear dull clothing then you are starting a race from the pit lane. What you need to do is make sure you have a tidy light coloured shirt on so the staff can see you. Dressing to get served is not as funny as it sounds becase it works. Wear boots or shoes which have a bit of heel rather than flat shoes as making yourself taller is a great idea, And the best footwear for all lengthy pub sessions is outdoor walking boots. Best to choose some which give you a little height boost and if you are likely to do any dancing make sure they are not too heavy.
Do not wear a shirt with a sexually agressive logo or slogan, because not every girl behind a bar will think it is funny, Do make sure you have plenty of cash because messing about with bank cards will be a right faff which will slow the bar down.
Now here is the bit you have really been waiting for. Where to join the queue at a busy bar. Here we have a few rules.
1 - Do not wait directly behind a cash register location ( Often staff do not overlap their serving areas at the till )
2 - Do not hold out a banknote ( this is extremely patronising )
3 - Do not lean right over the bar toward the staff, this aggressive behaviour is counterproductive because it shows someone who is naïve and "too keen" to get served. It is far better to be firm but fair in your approach.
4 - Take very careful note of how many people are also waiting and those who are before you. You must be courteous and not get annoyed if someone doesn't make it obvious that they are waiting until the last second.
Got that, right now we have the science of where to stand. What you must do is quickly asses the situation. Get a good vantage point and look for the most efficient staff. The people who can add up, and serve quickly. Don't stand waiting for the clumsy one who is on his first day and keeps getting his tie stuck in the cash drawer. Look for a group of people together, where one is getting served and the other 3 or 4 of their friends are backing them up. When one gets served they will all disapear with their first drink away from the bar enabling you to get right to the bar.
If you are in a group, split into 2 or 3 and address 3 different parts of the bar where different staff are working. Make sure you can see each other and when the first gets served with the round, the others withdraw from their positions. This is the Scattergun Approach, and similar to a gun firing, it will make it more likely to get your drinks quicker due to the law of averages.
If it is 5 deep at the bar, the best thing to do is get behind a group and as soon as possible get one hand forward on the bar as if to steady yourself. This is called Dropping Anchor, What happens is you psychologically claim a part of the bar and the other people always let you have it, shortly you will be able to work your way right to the front. Remember 40% of the people in the way are just accompanying the striker.
When you are stood right at the bar then you are technically Moored and you need to start interacting with the barstaff to get served. The best way to do this is to be courteous at all times and smile. If you do this while looking bad tempered, or drunk you will have less success. The basis of my theory is similar to getting let out of a sideroad and it is all about 100% of your own attention and eye contact with the staff without appearing in any way threatening.
A good tactic is to offer a Pass. This is 90% likely to result in a 1 - 2 manouever. Here if you are close to being served, you make a pointing gesture to your nearest rival at the bar and say to all concerned and the bar staff, "he is next". This is considered very good form and marks you out as being a decent cove from the off. The person recieving the pass almost always gets served and most of the time will thank you for the gesture. The 1 - 2 is completed when the staff serve you next.
This magnificent institution was first introduced to me by a tramp genius in the 1990s. Basically if you are down on your luck or cannot be bothered to wait at the bar, then all you have to do is sweep the bar room for leftovers. Have a little taste and if it tastes ok just pour it into your own class to top up your pint.
After all it is recycling. There is obviously a hygene issue as if the person who was originally drinking the drink had a heavy cold or other more serious infectious malady, then there is a chance that you might catch it. But usually you don't!
A chap often feels intimidated or out of place while having his hair sorted out. It is all too easy to get lazy about this and go to the same place where the same people just shave your head with the same clippers every 4 weeks or so. Very often the only choice you have, is what grade the clippers are set to. The americans have a great term for this style, they call these haircuts "buzz cuts" and they are so prevailant among English males now that it is almost the case that 90% of all men between 16 and 50 have the same thing and when abroad a native can spot an Englishman from 200 yards. It is quite sad that it is almost as if this is now the regulation haircut and anyone who varies from this is looked upon as a subversive. If you have recently read the Orwell Classic "1984" you would recognise such mindwashed behaviour of the proles.
What it is important to remember is that there is no law which says you must have a buzz cut. It is time to stand out from the crowd and vary your haircut throughout the year and have different styles for an occasional change. Now here follows a word of warning, many gent's hairdressers or barbers have got so used to shaving heads now, that many of their staff are useless at anything else. This means that to progress to a different style it is wise to go to a place which is a bit more expensive and will take some time to work with you to an improved job.
You know you are in a place which cares about what you will end up with when they discuss with you what you would like first. The worst place I ever went into was where I sat in the chair and the old Italian fellow started with scissors but without even asking me for what I wanted.