In Britain today, we are bombarded by the American culture. On the whole, the
British don’t seem to mind too much, but there are certain things that cause
us to get very annoyed. You can take or leave this information, but our two
countries make quite a few dollars/EUROS/pounds out of each other and if a little
bit of thought, the exchange would be a great deal more satisfactory. If any
American person was to reciprocate and send me the opposite view. It would receive
equal billing on this page.
So if you’re pretending to be English in one of your films again, please get
your facts right before starting. . .
. . . Or We'll Get You
1. Puff means homosexual in Britain - Therefore PuffDaddy means
Gay Dad (which is about right! )
2. Scotch is a drink, Scots is the word you would use to address
the Scottish nation
3. Scotland is not in England it is a country in its own right
4. Wales is a country in its own right also
5. Ireland is a different pair of trousers altogether.
6. Nearly everybody in England ( 85% at least ) calls cigarettes
FAGS
7. But some also call them cigs or ciggies
8. Nobody you will ever meet knows the queen
9. There are between 55 and 60 million people living in Britain.
So they don’t know your Aunt Alice.
10. Most British people wouldn’t travel more than 2 miles for
shopping
- - -
11. Do more research before writing film scripts about Britain.
a Dover is four to five hours drive in a car, on a good day, from
Sherwood forest
b Dover to Sherwood forest would take three days and twenty horse
change overs, and you would need two days off before you could do anything else.
c and neither of these places are anyware near Hadrians Wall Mr
Costner !
12 Less than 3 percent of Britons go to church or even want any
part of it
13 No –one has gone to work in a top hat since 1959.
14 Less than five percent of English people live in a village.
14.5 10 million people live in London
15 There is at least one pub for every 200 houses everywhere.
16 Gross means 144. You can buy one gross of carpet tacks.
17 When a house number gets to 999, we change the name of the
road so that we can start again at 1
18 State schools are paid for by government taxes and most children
are sent there.
19 Public school is where rich people pay for their children to
go
20 Kids are baby goats - Whereas young humans are called Children
- - -
21 Lumber is to do with the lower back. Timber is what we call
sawn wood
22 Timber is what you shout when you fell a tree
23 1:45pm is pronounced “A quarter to two in the afternoon.”
24 8:35am is pronounced “Five and twenty to nine in the morning.”
25 Hog is when you take all the space up. Pork is from pigs
26 Beer is usually bitter. Budweiser is lager
27 To shag means to have sexual intercourse
28 Knackered means to be very tired, or worn out
29 Bum can mean anus or buttocks. Dirty people with no fixed abode
are called Tramps.
30 Violent crime or gun crime is almost unheard of
- - -
31 95% of all British people will never touch a firearm of any
description.
32 20% of all British people will never even see a firearm of
any description.
33 Scrubs or The Scrubs is a famous old prison or gaol in London.
34 A scrubber is an old fashioned word for a prostitute, or someone
who is always very unclean (physically, verbally or sexually).
35 We call our motorcars Cars And that’s all we call them.
36 A Slapper is a woman whom it is easy to get sex with
37 Women’s lower underwear are called Knickers.
38 Men call their underwear Pants. And their ( slacks, jeans,
chinos ) are all Trousers.
39 All of our houses are made out of housebricks.
40 Sports shoes are called trainers
- - -
41 Soccer is called football by 90% of the planet and is the most
successful sport ever.
42 We say Arse not Ass
43 We Shorten Mathematics To Maths, Not Moth or whatever you say
44 Anthony is pronounced ( An Tony )
- - -
New 20-12-99
45 Hugh Grant is not a typical Englishman, - He's a posh git
46 Sean Bean, Bob Hoskins & Vic Reeves Are Typical Englishmen
( & Bob Mortimer )
47a. Gee is the seventh letter of the alphabet
47b. Whiz is a class A narcotic
- - -
New 18-3-00
48a A sweater is an event ( or a fright ) which causes sweaty
palms
48b Alternatively a sweater could be a fat heavy drinker who sweats
a lot
49 A jumper is a wooly top which you wear over your shirt when
it's cold
50 A tank top is a jumper with no arms
51 Police are called Coppers
52 A " cop " or " cop off " or " to pull " is a succesful dating
term
53 A Kop or Spion Kop is a large high enclosure on a football
ground, where the homefans traditionally used to stand ( now all seated ), sometimes
roofed, sometimes open to the elements, always the noisy end, where all the
singing and chanting starts
54 Cars run on Petrol or Diesel
55 Gas is piped into buildings for central heating, cooking and
gas fires, but not engines
56 we call Kerosene Paraffin, and our " Kerosene " is a different
specialised grade used in the chemical industry
57 a gallon of petrol is over £ 3 in Britain ( thats at
least 100 dollars ), which is why most cars are 1.6 litre and smaller
58 A piece of hard snot is called a bogie
- - -
New 19-3-00
59 A Quarter is one divided by four, or 25 %
60 The Fourth is a river in Scotland
61 Ten Bob is 50 pence, or half of a pound
62 A Guinea is one pound and five pence
63 A fiver is a five pound note
64 A tenner is a ten pound note
65 Don't even think about speaking cockney rhyming slang,
everyone will laugh at you
66 We keep things in cupboards, while for us, closet is short
for water closet ( W.C. ) which means toilet
67 Shit house means Toilet, Room containing a toilet, or person
who lets his friends down, with meanness
68 Bathroom means room with a bath, not neccesarily a lavatory
69 There are many words and expressions british people use for
going to the toilet, but they never use john or bathroom
69a Going to spend a penny
69b Going to powder my nose ( female )
69c Going to the jam house
69d Going for a slash / Going for a dump
69e Going to siphon the python ( male )
69f Going to the lav or Lavvy
69g Going to the Loo
69h Paying a visit
69i Going for a waz
69j Going for a lag
70 Getting pissed means getting drunk
71 Going out on the piss means going out to get drunk
72 Getting pissed off means becoming tired or agitated or angry
- - -
New 21-4-00
73 New york may be " the city that never sleeps ", or even " so
good they named it twice ",
but it's not in Yorkshire. And it never will be....
74 The 21st of April 2000 is written 21-4-2000
- - -
New 3-5-00
75 Only 6 american soldiers were ever held in Colditz Castle,
and none of them ever tried to escape
76 In the second world war, The Enigma machine was bravely plucked
from a scuppered german U-boat U-110, by a british soldier, David
Balme
On May 9, 1941, before the americans had even come and joined
in,
although we are more than grateful for their envolvement.
77 Pocohantas was a prostitute, and a very ugly one too
78 Velociraptors were the size of a turky, not 6 feet tall
- - -
New 16-5-00
79 if something is minging, " a minger " or " minging michael
" it either :-
a) Stinks ( smells very bad )
b) is very, very large
c) is very hot, ( food )
d) is very hot weather
e) is a very fast motorcycle ( not an american one obviously )
f) is very rotten and nasty looking
g) is a bad pain, or wound that is very painful, ( especially
headaches )
or
h) is a very good time that was had by all
80 If a posh Englishman says " How Do You Do " it isn't a question
81a Dames are elevated women that have been honoured by the queen
81b Broads are un-natural rivers which developed after peat
digging 200-500 years ago in Norfolk
81c available women are called birds ( from anglo-saxon " byrdian
" meaning maiden )
82 People from Liverpool ( Merseyside ) call the police " the
rozzers "
- - -
New 19-5-00
83 most britains know the difference between bad luck and irony
84 a bummer isn't bad luck in britain, it's a person who engages
in certain unspeakable sexual back door activiy
85 the emergency services are reached in britain, by dialling
999
- - -
New 27-5-00
86 the word ALUMINIUM has FIVE syllables and no silent I
- - -
New 29-5-0
87 LIEUTENANT is pronounced "Left-Tennant"
88 Why do you insist on swapping the letters around in perfectly
good words like THEATRE ?
89 why do you miss out the classy silent U in COLOUR and NEIGHBOUR
?
90 HALLOWE'EN is pronounced " hal - oh - ween "
91 you are welcome to have Ruby Wax back, anytime you like
92 Stan Laurel and Charlie Chaplin were English
93 a loafer is a lazy person not a shoe
94 terraced seating in sports stadia is called terracing or the
terraces
95 a joint is a piece of meat for roasting, not a venue
but you might have a point about a funny smoke!
96 the letter Z is pronounced Zed, eg " Zed's Dead " - Q. Tarantino
- - -
New 2-6-0
97 we do not use the word tuxedo, it's a dinner jacket, or shortened
to DJ for the young gents
- - -
New 3-6-0
98 not cookies . . . BISCUITS
99 not dipers . . . NAPPIES
100a a pacifier ( or life saver ) is a piece of wood, with which
to bosh someone on the head with
100b while a dummy is a teat thing which you put into a babies
mouth
101 we use the term ANTICLOCKWISE when referring to the opposite
of clockwise
102 you play the guitar using a plectrum, not a pick
103a cornet is pronounced " core - nit "
103b whereas a cornett pronounced " core - net ", was a primitive
renaissance instrument C 1500-1600ad
104 tuesday is pronounced " t - you - s - day " the U is not silent
- - -
New 8-6-0
105 NOBODY in the English speaking world can understand why you
have replaced the
Beautiful syllabic word AUTUMN with the " inadiquate swear word
" FALL . . . ridiculous !
- - -
New 25-2-1
106 Vet means animal doctor, not former soldier
107 Dentist means tooth doctor
- - -
New 28-3-1
108 Disney is Scottish for " It Does Not "
- - -
New 13-4-1
109 M.C. Is an anacronym for Master of Ceremonies
110 A microphone controller is a sound engineer
111 Sneakers are people who like to snitch to the teacher
- - -
New 5-5-1
112 Herbs actually has an H at the beginning
- - -
New 23-9-1
113 Top hole means very well or very good
New 7-2-3
114 A Turtle Neck Or Turkey Neck in English is Either A Polo Neck,
or Occasionally A Roll Neck
New 11-2-3
115 Samasaseh/-appen/Sithi :- Inconsequential words that pepper
the sentences of the working classes in the northern regions of England. Used
to mean "I'm telling the truth", and can be inserted at the middle
beggining and end, of sentences. Sometimes all three. But overuse would make
one seem like a bit of a liar, or gossip. But some men have got into
the habit of saying these words all the time weather they want to or not, despite
being taken the piss off by others. As a consequence they are often heard saying
these words very quickly, or missing some of the letters out. This Condition
is called a Honky Hall.
116 appen can sometimes be used for hello
117 sithi also means "here/there you are"
New 21-5-3
118 darned means a sock which has had it's toe hole sewn up
New 28-5-3
119 A pasty is a pastry wrap of meat and veg
which usually include turnip, onion and potato from Cornwall that is eaten
hot from the oven, or possibly as a cold snack. It is a superb food item and
very good for you.
Many thanks to John "zard"
Merlin for notes on the finer points of the pasty
120 Plate means a plate in the head, if you are going to step up to anything,
better make it a wicket
121 If you have a bunion or a corn on your foot you go to a chiropodist
don't go to see a pediatrist that's just someone who is walking, or can walk
New 2-6-3
122 Cider is not an apple drink which you can give to your children, that's
Applejuice.
Cider is actually a very strong alcoholic drink, made from fermented apples,
drunk by country bumpkins for the last 1500 years
White Cider is an even stronger,drunk by tramps and alcoholic adolescents,
it's closer to wine it's so strong
123 Nike rhymes with Bike in England, so we're not going to say N-eye-qu-ee
New 22-4-4
124 Soda is lovely little bread snacks which you can toast, also known as
soda farls
Whereas fizzy drinks, are all called pop
New 4-5-4
125 Restaurant is where they serve food. You can tell one because the tables
have cloths on, the waiter shows you to your seat, and they specialise in
well prepared tasty food, which takes time to come. The seats are comfy and
there's always somewhere to hang your coat. In a restaurant you can have a
cup of tea in a china cup. You book a table before you go to one, although
if you find one which isn't busy, they might be able to fit you in.
126 Butt can be found in the garden. It's a large barrel which catches rain
water.
127 Never use the word Fanny, unless it's in regard to an old music hall
song, as it is a woman's rude part
128 An Airplane is a powered tool for shaping wood, which uses compressed
air instead of electricity to make it run
Whereas
An Aeroplane is bus thing with wings which goes in the air and the bloke who
drives it is usually very posh and used to be in the RAF
129 A Hooker is a rugby player, in the centre of the front row of the scrum
Rugby is a game which looks similar to american football, but played by men
who are rock hard and who don't need
puffhouse shielding, to stop them getting bruised.
130 If you come into my bar, pub or coffee shop and ask for a LATTE, then
you will get a glass of milk
Latte is Italian for milk
Advice To British Women Visiting Hollywood
By Dan 19th March 2004
1. Do not ask to be knocked-up in the morning. It means made pregnant.
2. If your host offers you a fresh napkin, you will get a serviette.
3. Feminine hygiene is attended to with a sanitary napkin
Advice To British Actors Working For American Adverts
By Michael Simkins
If you are asked if you have any cobblers, they don't mean are
you a Eunach?
Advice To The British or Irish writing in America or Canada
By Cheryl
in Canada and the states it is something you put on your feet
to walk through deep puddles/mud. Or a condom. I met an Irish lady who asked
for one from the boy she sat next to in University, and after a lot of explaining
she said, "a rubber is what you use to rub pencil marks out ".
We use erasers to rub pencil marks out BTW.
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Ta Mark I For your help
Ta M.B Esq. for your contributions
Ta Julian G and Dan Cooper for your help
Advice to the American Movie People
Thanks for visiting.
This page is available at
http://www.thewookie.co.uk/advice/america.htm