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Back To Engine Room ( Main Home Page ) Other Sections For Your Amusement Pub Guide Old Cinemas Winscale Driving Tricks Vege Antichrist Celebs Bishtastic Hendos Pyram -idiots Speeding Mobile Cancer False Teeth 11th August 2001 / 8th April 2003 / 21st April 2004 / 28th September 2004

Advice For John Prescott Advice For Americans Advice For Rowland Keating

    The Caravan is one of the greatest threats which have ever been created. They block our main roads, at the most inopportune times, and cause an inordinate amount of road rage and suffering. They are lethal, unsafe, and frequently tip over, and when their white bodies get punctured on the motorways, they leave foam, clothing and stuff all over the place like a bomb in a charity shop. You need two empty corporation dustbin carts just to remove all the bent plastic, balsa wood and stuff, after the incident.
    They are always being blown off cliffs, which for some reason caravan parks are always on top of, these people are masochists. Thoroughly unhygienic, the beds often double as dining areas, leaving crumbs and fat stains in the bed. And the chemical toilets probably smell.
    Towing a caravan is a quite pointless and flagrant waste of fuel, as Britain and Europe is packed with suitable hotels, guest houses accommodation. The caravan is the tedious hobby of the ultimate holiday anorak.
    Whereas the Dukes of Hazard was a fictional Television Show set in a southern state of North America

Gungy Former Caravan Yesterday

New 27th of April 2004 Here is a filthy caravan which was pointed out to me by Bish the other night. I have passed this shameful disgrace on a number of occasions, but never before have I noticed that there was a caravan underneath. It is positioned off the road, and less than a mile from my house. It looks to me like the side has recently had the gunge scraped off with a wallpaper scraper, but such effort, late as it is, is too little, too late. This shameful shed on wheels, is way past it, and now damp, mouldy and unhygenic. It is suitable only for crushing and disposal, by the municipal wheely bin, over probably 3 weeks. Obviously I wouldn't have been doing my duty as a tax paying citizen if I didn't help to clean our streets. Naturally the police have been informed. "It's all going to change" . . G.Arkwright 1985

We have sucessfully lobbyed MP's for some new rules to keep the acursed caravan menace to a minimum.

1. Caravans may only be only in motion between the hours of 12 midnight and 6 am during summer months.(May - Sept England and Wales) (June - October Scotland and the islands)

2. When a vehicle is stuck behind a caravan on the highway, two honks of the horn should be sounded, promptly, and the offending towing vehicle must pull over immediately onto the pavement, grass or hardstanding, to let the more adequate motorists through.

3. Caravans must be towed by vehicles of over 2 litres Petrol or 3 litres Diesel, for quite obvious reasons.

4. Law breaking by caravan pullers should result in the immediate firing of the stupid (pseudo vehicle), in a fire, to teach a hard lesson to all involved. In front of the Boars Nest, especially if Willie Nelson is making a guest appearence.

Who Knows What This Is All About? Notice the vesica pices stuck to the window, this poster must be related to a rite of Freemasonry or the ancient order of the Knights Templar. The Vesica pices is a fish type symbol which relates back to ancient Sumeria at least 4000 years ago. It was used as a mathematical symbol to indicate 2 arcs drawn within a triangle of at least 2 equal angles, and joining at the point of the unequal angle. It was later adopted by the Masons to signify the great pyramid of cheops in Giza. The Sumerians were the first people, we know of, to use the signs of the Zodiac, and used this symbol to represent the area of Gemini in the sky.

5. All caravans must pass a rigorous M.O.T. test and display a tax disk. Trailer tents and Romany Caravans are exempt from this new law which is expected to save the tax payer approximately £2850 per annum.

6. Caravans must be kept wholly off the road at nights in residential areas.

7. Uncle Jesse doesn't allow gambling.

8. Any caravan found displaying little flag pendants of previous holiday destinations, on any of its windows, should be smashed up and burned in front of it's owner immediately, in the style requested by the travelling home committee (1995) of Lord Jasper Whole.

9. Caravan wheels should be of car standard, not the cheap caravan pressed lightweight unbalanced and dangerous wheels of tradition. And what is more, there should be at least one serviceable spare wheel on or about the caravan vehicle.

Caravan Licence

10. From August 2005 the new driving licence class will be introduced, which is a test for people wishing to tow caravans. New modules include:-

a) High speed reversing round cones
b) Jumping a revine (Oh No LUKE the bridge is out) with caravan in tow, and despite the axles and half the engine falling out carrying on at the same speed on the other side.
c) Towing a caravan in and out of a swamp
d) Zig zag driving at highspeed with a trunk full of moonshine and Boss Hogg on your tail
e) The gentle art of the jacknife
f) Singlehandedly, and without mechanical aid, pushing a half ton caravan up an incline
g) Righting a toppled caravan after a gust of wind has blown it over in the local trailer park
h) Two and a half hours on the municiple skid pan
I) Towing a caravan across a waterlogged field in a downpour with a front wheel drive car and only one plank of wood to stick under the wheels to aid traction, and a trained 16 stone Gorilla to Bump up and down. This is a timed event.
J) Unhitching a trailer loaded with 75 house bricks and an antique wrought Iron fire suround.
k) Digging a 2 x 4 x 3 foot trench to use as a latrine with a flimsy folding camping shovel in 45 minutes.
l) unblocking a bunged up solid chemical toilet, bailing out the organic issue with the mother in law's teacup and replacing the melted plastic parts to render the unit serviceable again. Then wrinsing out the cup with saliva and replacing it back in the cupboard.

j) removing 2kg of slugs from a caravan floor at 2am without resorting to cruelty, and disposing them in an environmentally friendly manner.
k) demonstrating skills in manufacturing ashtrays from old beercans
l) Extra points awarded for a perfectly executed eskimo roll. This would include the car and caravan going from self propelled forward motion on their own wheels, then " Dukes of Hazard " style driving at speed into a ramp on one side of the car, which would cause both the car and caravan to go briefly onto two wheels, then to tip over, go onto the roof and onto the other side and back to the roadwheels. The vehicle combination must be capable of still going forward, towing the caravan, but no points are lost if the caravan is somewhat smashed.
m) The last part of the test is crashing through a haybarn, sending chickens in all directions.

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CARAVANS what can we do about them? And The Dukes Of Hazard

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