That would never be cricket

Cricketing Terms For Life's Dilemmas
May / June 2000 - improved Jan 2004
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The Doctor Looking Alert A word in your ear . . .
It is very true that English is a complex language, but one of the secret weapons of the English language, for one who has ambition, is to use the correct cricketing terms for the dilemmas of life.
For centuries, the upper classes and the aristocracy has made good use of it's passion for the gentle game, when describing difficulties, or concepts that require a sportsman's sensibilities to understand, such as marriage, churchgoing, or village life.
Because the quaint middle classes, are also taught to play the game, to a rudimentary level you understand !, at there common schools, then the language of cricket is almost universally accepted amongst men. And therefore the tactics of life can be surmised, often entirely within a cricketing vocabulary ( with a bit of luck ).

Possibly, just as "cockney rhyming slang" allowed the victorian gutter snipes, chimney sweeps and spivs of London Town to confuse the coppers, and the beaks in the old bailey, the "Cricketing Terms used for life's dilemmas" were designed to allow a group of decent chaps to have a bit of a code that the filly's didn't understand, as they were only interested in marriage, embroidery, flower arrangement, picnics and Hats. . .
and not at all interested in the important Sporting affairs - Cricket, Rugger and The Hunt !

The guile and intellect of a cricketer, is a rare and glorious gift, and as such should be celebrated by all Englishmen, and other aspiring types. As a tribute, we have, for three centuries desolved the terms and tactics of the game of Cricket in the general language of the commonwealth.

Here below are the general cricketing terms that have passed in to mainstream English...
Do not expect any Political Correctness, because cricket has been played regularly in an organised fashion since the 1700's and the terms and attitudes predate all fancy ideas of the modern age.

English Language	Cricket Explanation	English Explanation
Stumped	The wicket was broken by the fielding side while the batsman was out of his ground, attempting a shot or running between the wickets	An unexpected announcement that greets you with surprise and possibly even leaves one speechless
He Had A Good Innings	The Batsman Batted For A long time before being "out"	He Lived A Long Life
The Pitch Was Queered	The surface of the potentially good Cricket square had been maliciously damaged, during or before the game, to make the ball bounce un-predictable or dangerous so that the game would have to be abandoned, or vastly in favour of the fielding side	Someone, through spite or conceit had caused my plans to be subject to sabotage
I Was Knocked For Six	My ball was knocked the full distance, right over the boundary, without a bounce for the maximum points	A surprise or illness had left me at a loss as to how to proceed, or that has taken all my reserves or all my energy
Near The Knuckle	The ball hits the bat high up the handle, causing a danger of hand injury	A word or term, that was spoken then found to be very close to vulgarity Leaving an uncomfortable silence or mild offence
We were on the back foot	A Batsman in a defensive position	Our situation has deteriorated and we are forced to start from behind. ( in a weak position)
I You can plainly see that he is batting for the other side or II Bowling from the pavillion end	I Scoring no runs and giving away his wicket at the first opportunity or II Least favourable bowler allowing the better bowler to bowl down the hill	A homosexual man
I think he swings it both ways	A very talented bowler who can cause the ball to swing in a varety of ways	A Bisexual man
We were on a sticky wicket	A cricket pitch where the runs are not being scored Having the effect of making the score stick at it's present level instead of advancing	Finding yourself in an uncomfortable or embarrassing situation
We Drew The Stumps	The batting side can surrender the game, by breaking the wicket	To Give Up ( Especially A Pointless Marriage That Has fizzled out )
Letting The Side Down	Someone Who Performs Way Below Par	Not Pulling One's Weight
Bowled Over	The batting side have all been given out ( Quickly )	To be brought completely under the power of another person
To be prepared to come to the wicket	To be prepared to bat, despite the danger of being injured by being hit by a fast moving cricket ball	To show courage when threatened new 24-2-2003
That Really Isn't Cricket	Not Keeping Up The High Standards Of The Game For Infallable Fairness And Sportsmanship	Something Unfair

If you are still reading this article then you must be a thoroughly decent type, and should be commended for doing so. I'll put a good word in for you down at my club, maybe even introduce you to the major. But don't expect me to propose your membership until you've bought me a few gins, and showed me around the grounds at your place, if you know what I mean . . . What ! . .

God . Save . The . King