Updated - 31st January 2001, 04th March 2011

SECRETS AND PSYCHOLOGICAL TRICKS FOR CITY DRIVING
Information from the ministry of coffin dodgers and tired randy sailors
Chief Constable Bulbous Dapendhedge-fluff
Introduction from chief constable M. Coffee o.b.e.

Where the driving of a motor car is concerned, there are many areas of common sense, or experience, you pick up if you are observant. But it's funny, a great many people seem to have no idea. They don't seem to progress after passing their test. Even people who have passed their advanced driving test, can be observed making sloppy manoeuvres and terrible parking. The greatest thing you can do to give you a big insight into driving, is pass your motorcycle test. This is the only way you can get an idea of the different road conditions, and the actual speed you are travelling at. Especially in these days, when cars are ever more luxurious, and remote from the dirty, oily reality of what driving meant, for so many people, only 20 years ago. I remember the halcyon days of British motoring, when you could zip along the trunk roads in a shiny morris thousand, not meeting another motorist for an hour, and when you did you'd always give a hearty wave.
In my opinion, since the war, this country has gone to the dogs.

      PART 1   tricks for getting people to let you into traffic queues

1  Take your sun glasses off
2  Open your window if its sunny
3  Look directly and attentively into the face of each approaching driver
4  Leave a large gap if you are second in the queue
5  Use 100% of your attention on this task
6 If you're smoking your unlikely to be let in by non-smokers ( hide it in the ash tray until you are let in )
7  Optimistic people let in similar and more expensive vehicles
8  Pessimistic people let in similar and cheaper vehicles
9  Women don't purposefully let in anyone at all when they're tired
10  No-one lets in anyone who's using a mobile phone
11  Women drivers tend to be less attentive, which means you can easily muscle in
12 Always look happy and try to smile

      PART 2   tips for driving along

1  Don't drive too close to anyone who's using a mobile, Especially on a motorway or a roundabout, as they have only 30% of their regular spatial perception and are much more likely to crash into you
2  A "baby on board" sign means- " I'm stupid, please drive a little closer to read my toss sign"
3  Keep well clear of vans and trucks, especially when in a very slow convoy
4a Test your emergency breaking regularly when some tosser is driving right up your arse.
It's hilarious watching in your rear view mirror as they break heavily and veer to the left
4b Test your emergency breaking regularly When a stupid spotty pencil moustache teenager, is behind with a booming bass stereo, to indicate that he's a total wa**er, and shouldn't be driving anyway until he's at least 21 when he's grown up
5 If someone is right behind you on a motorway or driving erratically, though it's tempting to hinder them, let them past, they are going to have a smash soon, and you don't want to be taken out too
6 Always lock your doors and hide any valuables, especially when driving in a strange town
7 Never drive on a motorway with your doors locked, If you're in a crash, no one can get you out. And you can't break a car window with a shoe, from the outside. And you will most probably die there.
8  If it is raining, Always put your lights on main beam, on the motorway. Because trucks can't see unlit cars through their spray
9  Never use rear fog lights, unless it's a pea souper, 100 meters visibility is the law and it's very, very dense
10 When driving behind a car with German plates, beware that they slow down to 20 mph as they pass parked busses at home, or they receive a very heavy fine and a penalty
11 If you are driving in Europe, then don't think that you're exempt from the law, you're not. The fines are the same and licence points are too!

     PART 3   tips for parking

" . . . The loveliness of Paris,
seems somehow sadly gay.

The glory that was Rome,
Is of another day... "

1 If a bunch of kids offer to mind your car for £1, then get back in and drive at least one mile before parking again, under no account must you leave your car there with the kids, paid or not, as your window will be broken and radio gone
2 Don't worry if you are rubbish at parking at first, study it a little and you will fully understand
3 Never park the wrong way around on a high street
4 Never leave anything on the front seat, even a plastic bag, someone will break in an steal it.
5 When opening the door, keep tight hold of the handle at all times, a gust of wind can do £600+ damage to the door panel if you let go.
6 Turn your radio right down before parking near houses, or you will appear to be a right stupid selfish t### to the people you are disturbing.

   PART 4   tips for avoiding embarrassment

1  Don't race a motorcycle from a standing start unless your driving:-
a) Another motorcycle
b) An 8 litre sports coupe weighing only 350 kg
because even a 125 "shopping bike"can probably be at the front of the next set of lights/roundabout, before you have released the clutch to change into 2nd
2 Don't block the way for motorcycles, or get on their nerves in any way, they are wearing boots, and your metal car panels are very dinty, bendy and the paint scratches off very easily

PART 5  vehicle maintenance tips 

1  Don't ever take your car into a carwash, because the detergent is much too strong and causes paint damage and frequent scratches can be seen afterward in the paint.
2 Use only proper car wash soap, never use washing up liquid, this severly fades the pigment in the paint, causing the car to look blotchy or rusty. Washing up liquid is far too strong, and totally wrong chemicals for paint.
3 Never attempt to clear ice with boiling water. Will cause the windscreen to crack, or somtimes shatter.
4 When de-icing,
        1. Start the engine. 2. Leave it running. 3. Switch on de-icing heaters. 4. only then may you scrape. 5. never use de-icing spray (makes plastic trim nasty) 6. If covered with snow, brush the snow off the windows with a  yard brush
5 When changing a wheel, crack the nuts loose on the wheel with a flat tyre, before jacking up the car. If you don't do this and the nuts are on very tight, you may finish up with the car on top of you if you really have to swing on the wheel brace. In addition the wheel will be clamped still, much better with the weight of the car on it.

Thanks for visiting. This page is available at
http://www.thewookie.co.uk/advice/psycho.htm