The Deverton Weztcounty Gizette
Situations Vagrant
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Don't Waste Your Life .... Become A Tramp .... 

Shouting Tramp
Due to a recent incarceration, an opportunity has become available in the position of shouting tramp. No previous experience is necessary, the position would suit someone who prefers to work outdoors. The duties include shouting at passers by and being moved on by police. The contract is negotiable and hours flexible. The salary starts at 50p per week, a cup of tea and all you can steal from the local shops. Location is a side street which emerges onto a busy shopping precinct.
50p per week pro rata
Quiet Gaberlunzie (2 vacancies)
A local bum with a familiar looking face who doesn't say very much. Appearance can be anything from ramshackle to paralytic. The principle roll of this position is to loiter on benches and walls and not say much. A person with front teeth missing may be well suited to this position. Other facial abnormalities a bonus. The client is particularly interested in self fighters, a recent sucessful applicant was able to hold elaborate fighting matches with himself for 2-3 hours, he was so dedicated and self absorbed in his craft that he was run over by a bread van on the bypass.
Salary Scale B + Experience
To advertise contact your local branch
**** This Weeks Featured Vacancy ****
Dirty Begging Vagrant
Suitable to a younger person this newly created position would be ideal to one who enjoys meeting people. Similar positions are popular among the facially pierced and dreadlocked white trash youth.
Generous remuneration package with commission
and free stray dog.
Speed Talking Street Walker
A starey eyed person who can speak unintelligibly fast is required to wander in and out of the department stores on the high street and gabble on annoyingly to anyone who challenges them. A person with some experience in sales would be well suited to this prestigious high profile position. And in addition the ability to faint at will, and reek of alcohol would be a considerable asset.

Salary = DHSS + takings
Confused Old Person
A pissy old person with terrible bad breath and wearing several coats and carpet slippers, is required to travel on the local bus network all day with their free pensioner's bus pass. Duties include, taking ten minutes to board, distracting the driver, asking for destinations which ceased to exist 40 years ago and referring to the former uses for buildings in their present tense. Other duties include sitting next to teenagers telling them all about long dead celebrities as if they were still on the telly, asking them what they've learned at school today and personal questions. and talking to people who are trying to ignore them about embarrassing ailments and Lady Di.
This is a voluntary position
but it gets you out of the house doesn't it dearie
Street Gentleman Required
A gentleman tramp with a posh voice is required to engage passers by in conversation. The sucessful applicant should be wearing a once well cut suit, and have good mannered origins. Also displaying the ability to expose himself, and run off from food and drink retailers without paying would be a considerable advantage.
A gentleman of the style of Mr College from the Dick Emery television programme would be ideal for this position.
Regular Free Lodgings courtesy of the local constabulary
Weary Willie the Welcoming Tramp
Person who stands outside the student's union waiting for someone to give eye contact, then welcoming them as if they had just got off the plane and a long lost relative. At all times the successful postulant must engage their quarry in conversation for as long as they can, delaying them from their useful work all day if possible. This weary willie would have ideally pleasant clothing and good hygiene, so the quarry would have no idea of the low class and selfish torment they are about to inflict. Ideal position for someone who has held a position of responsibility before suffering some kind of tragic breakdown.
Starting at 1s3d + pay award pending
Senior Management Opportunities
Bright outgoing personality? Good with money? Like meeting People? Want to be in management by 19? Still living with parents? Spend every day slogging around industrial estates flogging cheap copies of garish designer shirts, which didn't sell in the shops, from a large sports bag.
Commision Paid (eventually)
Make more than social security by week 3(no chance)
Advert space still available 50p per decade

Tramps Required In All Areas .... apply before it is too late . . .

Telesales Operators (257 positions)
Required to work 20 hours a day at very loud, out of town windowless sweatshop. Rate of pay varies depending on how many calls made per minute. Smokers prefered. 2 toilet breaks a day, no union, no contract, no min wage, no RSI. Holidays earned per years worked, up to max 12/year. Asylum seekers, DH$$ and illegal immigrants welcome. No cockney or north west accents!
 Re-advertised due to time wasters
Sweary old Sailor
A short term position for the successful candidate, this position includes sleeping in the markets area of town, and singing sea shanties interspersed with course language, and shouting F*** Off as loud as possible in groups of four. Suitable for a gentleman recovering from alcoholism, or someone with acute personal hygiene problems. A large beard and black teeth are essential for this post.
Challenging salary but many perks inc. free tab ends
Winscale Tramp Required
Stinky little man required with public school education, who gets sacked from every job he gets. To spend afternoons in pub, drinking the slops from any left behind pints, and making sad fags from the dog ends in the ash trays.
This oily twerp should be variously entertaining or annoying, depending upon which way the wind is blowing, and must have various plans to get the band back together, all of which are forgotten the following morn.
Perfectly suitable flat provided within walking distance
of the tavern
Poet Tramp
The Broomhill district requires another unemployed Poet character, to smoke roll ups in the South sea and Broomhill tavern. They must have gammy teeth, and be prepared to be beaten up from time to time.
No Salary but valued Status in bum society
Despicable Required
Man required with a sour despicable expression on his face required to hang around town, scaring children and ladies. This position is open to Lorry Driver-murderers and alcoholics. People with fingers missing are especially welcome in this post.
Salary Paid  in white cider
Travel Agent Required
This post is best suited to a giggly young woman with shit for brains or outrageously camp man. Degree in sociology/media studies/health and beauty or psychology an advantage. Toilet situated in middle of kitchen. Must be able to count and type on a computer keyboard with at least one finger. Face must be bright orange with fake sun tan cream.
Salary £3.50/h + silk blouse uniform
Desciples Required
Young impressional female students required to join the Jesu' Mindwash Army of Believers. Meet our charismatic leader and become a sister and have your own body anointed with holy salty oil. Throw away all your worldly goods, and clothes. And become naked before christ, and the leader. Chosen sisters will live in the family with the leader as one of his wives. All desciples will be healed by the leader laying his hands on their body.
Grant Money/Student Loan or Benefit to be paid to the commune
and your reward will be in heaven
Fag Roadie
Smoking person required to provied an estblished blues band with lit fags while they perform. A proficiency in making excellent thin roll ups without wasting tobacco, for spliffs and normal fags is essential as is the ability to stay awake until 3 or 4 in the morning, purchase good gear and getting hold of cheap smuggled fags. No dribblers, fags must be dry at all times.
£3.00 per show 2 shows a week/ occasional practice session

Personal Hygene not neccesary . . .

Pub Tramps Required
Contrary to common opinion, another person is required to practically live in the gamesroom of a down at heel pub on the edge of the town centre.
   They must be wearing nasty shellsuit tracksuit trousers, and play darts and pool with themselves all day if required. Every visable tooth in their mouth ought to be of a different colour. The successful applicants ears must be sicking out and with a gypsy earring in each one.
   They must help anyone to the best pool cues and best darts, if they approach the games area, and when they are into the game, they should provide useless advice as to the best way to play, taking at all times an unusual interest in the precedings of the current game in progress and inform that they scored a 138 break at snooker, and then a couple of 147's. And that they play snooker for Southy club team.
No Money, more of a vocation
More Pub Tramps Required
People with busted faces requred to smoke and pull faces all day, as if in considerable pain, at anyone looking in from the street in a market side area of town. Must give the distinct impression that in some recent year a mad person had gone bananas in there with a baseball bat. These positions are most welcome to older persons.
Free Barley Wine, and a saucer of sawdust every 2 hours
Today's The Day
you can start your new career
Alcoholic Pub Landlord Tramp Required
Lazy good-fur-nuthin fat alcoholic man required to badly run a pub popular with older and middle aged men. Fondness for Kareoke, pub organists, pub singers and Tom Jones an obvious advantage.
   Must be able to stay up until 3am under a couple of dim lights, drinking afterburners with a hand picked bunch of similar layabouts. Although only getting up at tea time is fine. A person used to falling down the stairs and regular facial bruises is fine for the post. Former Coppers, Footballers and Reformed criminals are invited to apply.
Free Pub with seven bedrooms and stabling for 3 horses
to sucessful applicant and all you can drink

 
The Deverton Westcounty Gazette
Situations Vagrant
Back To Engine Room - Next Page
www.bishtastic.co.uk/vacancies.html