It is now revealed for the first time that The White Cliffs are painted white and were actually brown. And that there is a team of painters that work tirelessly, under the cover of darkness to keep the white cliffs white.

      The whole business started in the second world war when a government department was formed under the war office to add to the nostalgia of blighty for the leaving troops and to help with propaganda they commissioned sir Elton john to write the white cliffs of Dover song for Vera Lynn to sing
     And they also interfered with the play lists at radio one to force it to stay in the top ten all through the war, even though it was often kept off the top spot by I will always love you by Whitney Houston and everything I do I do it for you by Brian Adams.

      However Elvis Presley, a west country farmer's son from Dorset, wrote a song called " Love Is All Around ", and WET WET recorded it, and it got into a film at the time, with Ginger Rodgers and Ginger Spice, called " Wedding and Funeral ".
     Elvis made a great deal of money from the hit and spent every penny of the proceeds on crop circles for the garden. However the Department of Propaganda in the War Office saw that the troops needed rallying with a morale building speech, or some such event, and Churchill wasn't available. So they reduced the tax on the " Love Is All Around " song which brought it's price below the chart entry threshold of one pound two shillings and sixpence. And it was disqualified from the charts and Elvis had to give all his money back. He said at the time that it  wasn't fair, and that he had become a victim of New Labour Propaganda. The white cliffs of dover song, rocketed back to the top of the charts. And we won the war.

     Now the current problem is this.  If the Nazis were to ever find out that we had cheated to win the war, by painting our " Cliffs of Dover " white, then we would be disqualified. And we would have to either surrender and start speaking German, or have the war again. But if we can keep it quiet for another few months then we win by default anyway, Because it will be the next century and the Geneva convention states that if you cheated to win the war by malicious painting, then you get let off after the century turns, as long as it's more than twenty years later.

Introduction
     The Turin shroud was the result of a misunderstanding, where an American gentleman in 1935 was being taken the pee out of by a couple of friends, an Englishman and an Egyptian, who worked for the Cairo Museum of antiquities in Barnsley. It was one of many hundreds of pieces of liner cloth which were used to pack exhibits in when they were transported in large trunks oversees.

Fat
     The American gentleman was very fat and he wore golfing trousers and a Bermuda shirt. The Egyptian thought the man was a pimp and wanted to know where his large hat and his Cadillac were. But when he introduced himself as Brat Bunderlinger the third, they knew they had a right sad case of a man before them. And when he said could he buy something to take home to give to his “ pop ”. They made the Turin Shroud out of liner cloth and cough medicine and sold it to him the following day, for three thousand dollars and gave him a receipt from the Vatican.
     Sadly the American gentleman died only three years later, and by then the story had grown to notorious proportions. The cloth was the centrepiece in the new Hollywood Shroud Museum and religious types, from all over America were visiting.

Carbon Dating Breakthrough
     The embarrassment of the story became even more acute for the Egyptian, as he rose to become part of the Egyptian government and an olympic Bridge Playing Champion. A slur like this on his character would do his career and reputation serious damage.
He tried, through the underworld, in the early 60’s to get the cloth destroyed in a building fire as it toured Europe as an exhibit. But this wasn't successful. Worse was to come, he became even more worried in the autumn of 1968 when they announced that they were going to try to date it with the latest scientific techniques. A year later he had had the cloth swapped in a midnight raid, for a more “genuine” article that would “pass” the relevant carbon dating tests, and possibly some more stringent scientific study.

The End
     And that is all I can currently say about the matter, apart from how funny it seems that the said article has apparently dissapeared from public interest altogether....