3rd December 2000
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Due to an error in the ministry
of food, chemical weapons and meals-on-wheels, ten million pounds has been
wasted on 8 years of expensive research at the oxford and cambridge polyversity
on the subject of gravy.
Boffins have been pouring bisto
onto vats of potato and taking hydrometer readings in vats of fermenting
stock. Now there is even a degree course available in the subject, A
Bachelor of Gravytastic Science.
Intensive Research has confirmed the following facts
The bottom side of a roast potato is 30% more porous
Hot gravy is absorbed 20% faster than warm gravy
Meat doesn't absorb gravy at all, so eating it first will leave less unabsorbed gravy on the plate
Sprouts, Peas and Beans absorb 15% of their dry
weight in 30 seconds
Yorkshire pud absorbs 90% of it's dry weight in
five minutes
Roast potatoes absorb 30% of their dry weight
in ten minutes
Mashed potatoes absorb no gravy at all
Exhaustive testing has
found that
150,000 gallons of gravy disappear down British
kitchen sinks every week. Which apart from being a waste, puts domestic
drains at risk of clogging due to the fat content in the gravy itself.
Continued Experimentation
has revealed that
Gravy is a mixture of meat juices, vegetable water,
fat and starch.
Spin off discoveries from this research are
as follows :-
1. I.G.A. - Indian Gravy Ale, 4.7% robust real
ale with lots of brown body.
2. Stock Pots - Pot noodle derivatives, based
entirely on gravy with different coloured bits floating in it.
3. Cheese Gravy - An unlikely, but delicious topping.
Excellent on chips.
4. Blood Stock - A new type of gravy which is
spicy and red in colour.
5. Gravy Bars - A chocolate bar with a delicious
gravy centre.
6. Weety Stocks - An innovative new breakfast
cereal.
"Take a dump baby, squirt some gravy" - Michael Patton 1990
This Page is available at
www.thewookie.co.uk/science/dumpbaby.htm